Since I separated from my ex-husband I have had one major relationship. I haven't written about until now mainly because it is on again off again and I'm still sorting out my feelings for him. For the sake of this story we will call him Jeremy.Back in February of 2007 I was staying at a sick friends house babysitting. The kids had the tv tied up so I was online perusing myspace and searching though the alumni of my high school for familiar faces. I came across Jeremy's profile and sent him a message. A few days later we went on our first date.
For him I would have to say that it was most likely the first date from Hell. We ended up going to NJ for a party that my friend was throwing. It's about a two hour drive and we planned to spend the night along with everyone else. (My friends in this group all live about two hours from each other so we usually try to get together for a weekend at a time.) Well to put it as tactfully as possible, honestly there is no tactful way, I had a little too much to drink. ( Which isn't hard because I'm a two beer queer.) My girlfriend and I were laughing so hard that we actually lost our balance and toppled over head first into her kitchen cabinets. I can hardly remember the rest of the night. I had a concussion. What I do remember was a lot of the bathroom floor and vomiting into the toilet as Jeremy held my hair back. He later told me he wished he had a counter to count the number of times I said "I'm sorry, I'm never going to drink again."
So it began and I never thought that I would hear from him again. But I did. We began dating and then dating exclusively. By April we were taking short trips together to places like Ocean City and Miami for one of my best friend's weddings. In July I introduced him to my children because I was already in love and felt that they needed to know one another. Everything was great. We didn't have a lot of time together, but we made the most of every minute that we did. (Jeremy manages a company and he works about 60 hours a week. Many of those hours are at night so he also has to go to bed very early in the evening.) We never fought which is probably why I looked at our relationship so idyllically. I didn't realize at the time that it was more because he hated conflict than the fact that we got along so fabulously.
The day before Thanksgiving he said that he was going to take me to meet his Mother. I was very excited. She is his only family and so as you could see this was very momentous. I waited nervously all day at work. And then as we agreed I called him on the way home from work so that he could come over and pick me up. He didn't answer. Not a big deal I thought he'll call me back. I called me best friend instead to chat while I waited. I pulled up to my house and parked. I walked to the front door and opened it all the while chatting with Kat and letting her in on my nervousness. I opened the front door and I believe I said "Oh no." Of course she asked me what was wrong. Directly inside my door was a box and a letter.
While I was at work Jeremy had used the opportunity to drop off all of my belongings and a Dear John letter. It stated that things were great with us, but that he didn't think that he would ever be able to get used to the children.
I was devastated. I balled my eyes out for over a week. I tried to call him, but he wouldn't answer. Finally three or four days later I went to his house and stood outside of his door knocking until he finally answered. I told him that after 9 months I deserved at least a face to face conversation. I told him that if I was losing my boyfriend then I didn't want to lose my friend too. He said that he still loved me and didn't know if he could be around me and not want to be with me. We finally agreed that I would give him space to decide whether or not he could handle a friendship.
Over the next few weeks we saw each other a few times. I never pushed or said anything to him about getting back together, but that is what I was praying for. On Christmas morning the kids flew off to Oklahoma with their Dad to visit relatives and Jeremy came over. Since he has only his Mom we planned to exchange gifts and go to see a movie. Well after we exchanged gifts he kissed me and everything was pretty much where it had left off.
After a simple, but romantic NYE I was very excited about our first Valentine's Day together. I got him a laser printer that he wanted and he got me a Sapphire ring that I had been drooling over for more than a year. Things however were becoming increasingly dissatisfying for me. I loved him SO much, but he was still unwilling to commit more than a few days a month to us. When we were together he was often tired and I often left feeling rejected and unwanted.
One night I told him that we needed to have a discussion about our relationship. He was tired, I agreed that it could wait until the weekend. I made him promise not to cancel on me. Well Saturday came and he didn't answer his phone. I left a voicemail and then I sent a text message. Still no answer. I waited 45 minutes. No answer. I finally sent him a text message stating that I loved him, but I didn't think that he loved me and that maybe we needed a break. Two minutes later I got a text as I reply that he agreed we should never see one another again. This time I promised myself I had learned my lesson and that I wasn't going to be sad. I started dating other people, but I still missed our friendship.
In May on his birthday we made plans to see each other for the first time so that we could exchange items and so that I could give him the birthday gift I had bought before our break up. We saw each other very casually throughout the Spring and Summer. I even mentioned several times that I was looking to meet someone that wanted to be with me permanently. I thought we had finally reached a place where we could be friends.
In September we went out to dinner at a restaurant that I had been wanting to try for almost a year. They have a deck that over looks the river. While we were out he told me that it really hurt him when I made comments about being with someone else because he still wanted to be with me. I was shocked and confused. And that is still kind of where I am. I continue to see other people because he doesn't have enough time for me and I don't know if he can ever really give me what I need to be happy. He asked me to stop making the "when I meet someone comments" so I have, but I've tried to make it clear that I cannot make a commitment to him.
Today we took the kids to the park to play. It was the first time that they have seen him since February. It was a really fun time. After he left I sent him a text message and we started chatting. I told him that I didn't know if we would ever be able to make it work and both be happy. He said that there was time and that we can talk about it. I don't know if I'll have the balls when the time comes, but this is what I plan on telling him....
The amount of time that we spend together is not enough to make me happy. Until he is ready for the commitment of more time and perhaps a ring I'm going to leave myself open to meeting someone else. I'm at my happiest when we're together, but the number of hours that we are apart far out weigh those spent together and the loneliness makes me miserable. I honestly don't know where this is going to go. But honestly he was able to throw me away and shut me out pretty easily two times before so I honestly don't know if I could ever really trust him again.........
10 comments:
I think that is just what you should say. It doesn't preclude him from your life, just makes it clear that he will not be the center of it. Not in a mean way, just a realistic one.
Your comment means a lot to me. I know you've been with me through it all and really understand how I feel. Thank you for always being there to listen.
Your kids are your life and if he cannot accept your kids he shouldn't be part of your life. Please don't waste anymore of your time on him.
Abi, I feel for you. I have been married and divorced, etc, and it is really hard to accept other people's kids. These are kids he did not choose to have, he fears having to love them, spend time with them, buy them gifts and even be financially responsible for them.
I understand his side. Oftentimes it is easier for a divorced woman to wait until her kids are older and independant to start a serious relationship. I can tell you right now that 80% or more of the eligible men you meet will reject your kids, not blatantly, but by not commiting to you. Women are a lot more accepting of a guy's children, because women put up with more stuff.
I am not defending him, but understanding his fear. You may find a guy who will gladly embrace your kid, but it is tough, he may be too ugly or too old or too poor and will accept anything.
Maybe these next years you should just date without expecting any commitment, and wait for the kids to go to College. Divorce has many many consequences that women forget, and finding a man who will accept her kids, especially the ones under the age of 16, is very rare.
Abi, I also recommend you continue dating other guys. He clearly does not want to spend more time with you, or he would. Also go to www.hiscoldfeet.com and you will see many interesting stories of women in relationships with commmitment phobic men.
Some men only value what they have when they lose you. But if you accept crumbles from him, he will continue to give you crumbles. When women have the courage and pride to walk away, either the man fights for them and does what they want, or he does nothing, which shows you were not that important anyway.
By dating others, you give yourself the chance of finding someone who WILL want to be with you. And if your flaky guy loses you to another man, it was his choice, right? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I know a lot about flaky men. I was with one for 7 years. I learned my lesson. Fortunately I had been with a committed man with no fears for many years, so I knew it was not MY fear of commitment, but his. I would never have stayed so long though, I regret not knowing more about commitment phobics at the time, for lack of experience. I would have walked away a lot sooner, and never looked back.
So good luck, but my opinion of someone older is that it won't get better, and NO amount of serious conversations from you will resolve it either. The only thing that cures his fears: you walking away for GOOD. Not just threatening to, not mentioning other men, not tolerating dinners here and there with him. Make him respect you. I see women accepting crumbles from men out of a lack of self esteem, and some because they fear not having enough money alone. Baloney, we can all survive if we want, and there are good men out there who will gladly want to be with you and see you every day.
Good luck and courage!
Also Abbi, remember your children are only wonderful to you. And maybe to your husband and your parents. To everyone else they are just...children. You see a lot in dating profiles people say "my wonderful daughter/son". Or worse: "my children come first", which scares the hell our of prospective love interests.
I am guy. I read this because I've had some fairy tale stories myself. The part about when you said you deserved to have a face to face conversation with him after her neglected you. Make a very long story short, I flew 3000 miles across the ocean to see the girl I thought I wasn't in love with because she refused to communicate with me and give me peace. When I arrived in HAWAII from CALI ten minutes away from her she didn't call, text, or email. Figure out whether or not you love yourself. Ask yourself, is this happier than it is destructive? Because it sounds like destructive more to me. You must love yourself so much you won't allow negative destructive destractions to alter your life in any way. You are a human being in this life and you have SO much shit to do. Longevity isn't defined by how high the peak is, it's how consistant you are. This is how true love is made, when you don't go through struggles so much you accept life is going to be that way. Good luck.
Afraid of commitment, afraid of confrontation, afraid of losing completely what he won't fight or make concessions for (like you). Hmmm.... Sounds like my ex. We were married when my daughter was 5. He talked to her about legal adoption, then pretended he couldn't get the paperwork filed, etc etc, for a year while he rented an apartment and planned on leaving. I think he maintained the whole adoption story bc he wanted to look like a great guy. You see, he's afraid for ppl to think badly of him too. On Father's Day when she was 12, he walked out, afraid to do anything necessary to save the marriage, afraid of what people would think (so he made up stories to justify himself). She sat on the bed all day while he moved his things holding the present she had made for him. Finally, he said to her, "I'll call you and I'll never stop even if you refuse to talk to me for a while." Nope. He didn't. He was afraid to face how much he'd hurt a child. He called a couple times, then stopped. She does see him now, but he's the kind of dad that never says no, never takes the hard road. But real parents, (& I don't mean biological) know that he's not being a dad at all. I feel sorry for him. People like this can't even face their feelings; they'd have to confront them & it might be unpleasant. After 7 years of marriage, he promised me we'd at least sit down together and he'd explain WHY he did what he did. But he was afraid. It's HELL to be married to someone like that,...except compared to the hell they make for your children. Run, girlfriend, and don't look back.
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